How To Have Stronger Connections With Your Kids

Here’s How To have Stronger Connections With Your Kids, at least we have seen this make in impact in our parenting. So whether you are struggling with your children and don’t know what to do or have a good relationship with them and are just looking to continue building on it, in the post today, we are going to lay out a few issues that many parents come across and don’t know how to address in a way that won’t push their children and teens further away.

Power Struggles

“They are always arguing with me and I can never ask them to do something without them losing their minds…” This is definitely an issue that can cause a lot of problems in a home and leave you feeling hopeless at the end of the day. That being said, I challenge you to first step back and consider how you are communicating with them. I think sometimes when people are dealing with their children, they almost lose sight that they are dealing with little human beings. Your young children can’t mentally handle the unhinged over stimulated version of you and rightfully so, we as adults can’t handle the unhinged version of other people.

So step one when there is a power struggle, is to take inventory of our own emotions and actions. Step two, is to really consider what kind of bond you are looking to have with your child. Are you looking to have a closer connection? If so, you must show genuine interest in why they’re responding the way they are. I promise, you will not have a strong parent-child connection if you live in the “power struggle” cycle all the time.

When my younger children or teens are hitting a wall with me and I realize it, everything stops! I would rather have that deep connection than be “right” and protect my pride. This does NOT mean that they run me over or that I become a passive parent with no boundaries.

It simply means that if they are having a hard time, one of the best ways to reset, is to do just that, stop everything and reset! Once you reset mentally, it’s time to dig deeper. MANY times your child is having an inner struggle, they are dealing with resentment. They feel they have been treated unfairly and really need you to just validate how they felt, and yes, apologize if you were in fact wrong in some way. It could have just been your tone. You would be surprised if you truly care about the depths of how your children feel in life, how much they (including older kids) want to please their parents.

If you are dealing with a power struggle, don’t push them away, draw them closer, listen to their young hearts, do this without resentment or judgment but to truly understand.

Be a safe haven, even if you can’t change the job you gave them or the house rule. Validate their feelings and be trustworthy enough that they feel safe to yield without feeling like they lost their dignity trying to communicate their frustrations to you. The most important thing to me, is that they communicate with me respectfully and we as parent must be an example of this.

What are the Child’s Needs?

I was reading the book “How To Win Friends And Influence People” and I came across this quote that referenced a study which really speaks to how to build a strong relationship with anyone:

“B.F. Skinner, the world famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies showed that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.”

Think about that, how often are our child’s feelings overlooked? (Disclaimer: I do NOT think passive aggressive “gentle parenting” is the answer either.)

So, here are a few questions to start with, when trying to build a strong connection with your child.

Ask what is making them sad.
Did something happen that they wish I new about so that we could make it right?
Are they overwhelmed?
Do they need me to just listen, give advice or just give them a hug and sit quietly?

Give them your full attention. Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand. If you make a habit to do this at the first sign of a struggle, this will make a BIG difference in your parent-child interactions. This not only helps with a child’s development to be able to express themselves in a safe way with you, it creates a powerful emotional connections between the two of you.

Often, our children don’t even need to be right, they just need to be heard and validated. This also gives us as parents, some space to audit our negative interaction with our child or teen so that if we were out of line in our communication, we can make it right.

There is no greater example to our children, than a parent who is humble and takes responsibility for their actions.

Separate Morals From House Rules

This is a BIG thing. Your house rules are not morals, and your kids deserve to know that! How you load the dishwasher, when bedtime is, how you fold your clothes, making your bed. While all those are good things and to run your home smoothly it’s important everyone plays their part.

These habits are not morals.

I can’t tell you how many times this understanding has defused a situation. We all play a part in helping our home run smoothly. Chores are divided not only among our teens but our younger children too! That being said, they are allowed to ‘respectfully appeal” if something doesn’t seem fair or they don’t like how something is being done.

If it’s not a moral, I start by telling them that! “This is not morally right or wrong, this is a preference in how I want this to be done in our home. That being said, if it’s that big of a problem and you are struggling that bad with it. Let’s give this method two more weeks. If you are still are struggling with it at that point, we’ll revisit it and decide what to do so everyone feels good about how this project is getting done.”

This goes A LONG WAY when it comes to building good relationships with your children. And it’s a great way to let them know that you are willing to try different things, you just want to give it some time.

I kid you not, 99% of the time, the fact that I heard them out without making them feel stupid for having a different opinion in that moment, creates an emotional connection between parent and child that can’t be made any other way. I find this ESPECIALLY true with my older children.

Allowing your children to respectfully troubleshoot the method by which a job is done, also teaches them how to this on their own. They will always be thinking about how to be more effective in the jobs they are given and that’s a GOOD THING!

Let’s Talk About Withdrawals vs. Deposits

“My teen won’t talk to me about anything that is important. They won’t engage, they are lazy and I don’t even know how to communicate with them. It’s like they don’t respect me! If they do show respect, it’s only because I require it.”

This is the kind of things I hear from parents asking me how they can have a better relationship with their teens. So, let me preface this by saying, sometimes humans are determined to have an attitude and in those situations, there’s nothing you can do about it except pray they have a heart change.

That being said, 9 times out of 10, I don’t think teens set out to be this way.

I will have a longer post on the blog when it goes live, but below are a few things I would like you to consider. Are you a “withdrawal” parent or a “depositing” parent? You need a little of the first and a whole lot of the second.

Take a second and think about your teen or any of your children for that matter and consider what category you find you are parenting in more.

Withdrawal Tendencie

You never clean your room!
Why do you always act that?
Critical spirit (constructive criticism doesn’t count but also needs to be used sparingly if relationships are tender)
Why do you ALWAYS make poor decisions.
You don’t care about how I feel!
I wish you weren’t so lazy!
I am always exhausted, I do so much for you! (while bragging to friends about all you accomplish and how no one else in your home values you)
Why can’t you be better?

Let’s go out on a limb here and say you are right about some of this. Your response can STILL make or break the situation. So instead, try using the following approach.

Deposits

I really appreciate that you did that!
I am just thankful I get to be your parent?
What’s really going on, is there something bothering you that I am not aware of? (Be humble enough to fix this.)
How can I help, do you need me to listen to your process or do you also want advice?
How can I pray for you today.
What are some goals you have that we can help invest in?
I see all you do, thank you.
I would rather be here as your parent doing life with you than to be anywhere else!

You see the difference? One is inspiring, one is draining. Our marriages and friendships couldn’t handle more withdrawals then deposits, why do we think it would be any different with our children?

Think about it, this may explain a lot of parent/teen relationships today. Commit to making the appropriate changes if your relationship is going in the wrong direction. This is a great starting point.

Time Is A Love Language

Meals around the dinner table, a weekly tea time to catch up with each individual child, family night in the living room, picnics, fishing adventures, hiking… Be intentional about this as your children will look back on the special time you invested in them in every area.

I hope this was helpful as you work to build close connections with your younger children and teens.